A Belated Movie Review Of Friday the 13th

It's Halloween and to celebrate I've been DVR'ing every horror movie I can find. I just love a scary movie. And no one scares easier than I do, just ask my family. I was particularly pleased when I found out I'd recorded Friday the 13th. It was originally released in 1980 and in all this time I'd never seen it. So, I sat down with my son and started the movie with much anticipation of slasher movie magic. Dang, I think I was 30 years too late!

When Friday the 13th hit the theaters in 1980 it grossed $39 million and when you adjust that figure for inflation you get...well...a lot more money. I was too young to watch it then, but I heard all about just how scary and brutal it was. Movie critics hated it and social critics hated it even more. One thought the movie would usher in all sorts of depravity. While I fully expected the end of decent society as a result of this movie's existence I couldn't hardly wait until I was old enough to see what all the fuss was about. Well, I guess I didn't make it a big priority because it took me nearly 30 years to finally put eyeballs on it. So, imagine my surprise when I found out it just isn't that scary. Again, dang!

Here's a brief synopsis for anybody who's not seen the movie; young camp counselors with high libidos get killed by a lunatic. I think that covers it. I found my son and me laughing at more stuff than jumping at stuff. Here's some of the things that warranted a snicker from us:

• All the guys wearing short-shorts
• the fact Kevin Bacon was in it
• every time the lunatic showed up, the theme music had someone singing, "ch,ch,ch,ch-ha,ha,ha,ha"
• Jason's mom saying, "Kill her mommy, kill her." Then answering, "I will Jason, I will".
• One of the characters looked like a blond Freddie Mercury in, you guessed it, short-shorts
  

Now, I do think that the movie gets a little more chilling after the scene where Bacon has a conjugal exchange with one of the lady counselors. The last scene where Jason leaps from the water and grabs the sole survivor is truly a great scary moment! Still, the movie pretty much gets a yawn from my son and me.

A side note here; paraskevidekatriaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. Say that three times fast! (Actually, pronounce it correctly once and I'll be impressed.) As many as 21 million in the U.S. suffer with paraskevidekatriaphobia and it's estimated that as much as $900 million in business is lost because these folks won't leave their houses. Wow. I wish I knew why Friday the 13th is any different than Thursday the 12th. Hm... I wonder, do they make a pill for paraskevidekatriaphobia?

Well, at least I've got some good movies to watch; the greatest and first slasher, Halloween, Psycho, The Omen, The Shining, some Sponge Bob. The night won't be a total waste. And I'm glad I watched it so that I can say, "I've watched it". Maybe if I would have seen it 30 years earlier it would have been scarier. But, then again...

Cooking as a Spectator Sport

Amazingly enough it would appear cooking has become a spectator sport. Yes, I mean chop it up, mix it up with tasty spices, heat it through and eat it cooking. We aren't content with chowing on a chili dog or nachos at the ball field, now we have TV shows dedicated to competitive cooking. If Momma only knew what was to come when she would yell at me, "Don't play with your food!".

Peruse the Food Network's line-up for any given day and you'll see what I mean. Peppered throughout the schedule you will find shows like; Challenge, Iron Chef America, Throw down with Bobby Flay and their most watched show The Next Food Network Star. I must confess that I have watched each of these shows and have found them to be pretty good entertainment. It wasn't until I'd watched Challenge that I knew people made such elaborate cakes! ( I just wonder if they taste good?) I'm intrigued when Chairman Kaga introduces some strange ingredient the chefs must use in every dish on Iron Chef America. I find the reality show The Next Food Network Star to be a bit boring, but it's season 5 finale had 4.7 million viewers, becoming it's most watched show in the network's history.

There are other networks that see financial viability in culinary competition. Bravo produces Top Chef, where chefs compete for money and prizes, and garners 2.9 million views per new show. Fox Network's Hell's Kitchen musters up 8 million viewers per new episode. This show's winner gets a $250,000 job as the executive chef at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants. To win the job Ramsay puts the contestants through "chef hell" by belittling and berating them at every given opportunity. He barrages them with f-bombs, flying pots and pans and spittle from his constant, angry outburst. I guess he's the Vince Lombardi of the competitive cooking world. I sometimes have flashbacks to Marine Corps boot camp when I watch it. Maybe it's why I like the show. Hm...

All these bouts for culinary glory got me thinking; how many people still cook? Anecdotally, it seems there is a decline in home cooked meals. I'm always surprised by the people I know who don't cook. So I did a little research. What I found is that the number of those who cook at home is somewhere around 50 percent. That and celebrities don't seem to cook at all. Imagine my surprise when I found out Katie Holmes and Sarah Palin don't cook. What wasn't surprising is that during our current economic woes there is an increase in domestic cooking habits. It's a two percent increase, which doesn't seem like much, but could represent a trend. And imagine my surprise when I found out that despite her ever growing family Angelina Jolie doesn't cook! I'm assuming between her's and Brad Pitt's income they can afford take out, so I shouldn't be too surprised, but still... I just wonder if competitive cooking inspires people to cook more, kind of like water polo or rugby inspires so many to get involved in those sports.

I can't see competitive cooking overtaking football or baseball as America's favorite sports to watch on TV, but it does do better than soccer or the WNBA. Even better than championship poker, which is also hard to see as a popular spectator sport and yet still is. We probably won't see chef's stats running along side baseball scores in our sport sections of the newspaper either. It may seem a bit peculiar to think of cooking as a spectator sport, but I kind of like it. Maybe I'll make some bruschetta and cozy up to the TV tonight for some Hell's Kitchen and check the football scores a little later.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Sparta

I've seen the movie 300 four or five times. It's a movie based on a graphic novel that's based on an actual historical event from the year 480 BC, so we know the movie is factually true. If we've learned anything from watching Oliver Stone movies it's that everything that comes out of Hollywood is factually true. 300 recounts the factual events that took place during the Battle of Thermopylae, when Greece, led by the Spartan king Leonidas and 300 warriors, held up the advance of the overwhelming force of the Persian Empire for seven grueling and hard fought days. Between the information I gleaned from the movie and from Wikipedia I know this to be factually true, since we know both Hollywood and Wikipedia are reliable sources for gleaning information. I hope that I have sufficiently established the historical reliability of 300 so that I can get on with what I really want to say; this being that 300 is probably the most romantic movie I've ever seen.

Blasphemy, you say! In the pantheon of great romantic movies what drives someone to such a ridiculous conclusion, you further say! How did he ever get married, you further, further say! OK, I'll try to enlighten you as to how I've reached such an outlandish position, and hope to quell any matrimonial disharmony this blog post might cause.

I'm sure you have heard of the book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and if you haven't it probably means you're not married. I find it laying around the house at different strategically placed locations. I assume because someone wants me to read it. It was good thinking to put it in the bathroom because it did get a cursory perusal several times and I think I get the gist of it. Men and women are different. Not just anatomically, but in so many other ways. The secret to a successful relationship with the opposite sex is recognizing those differences, accepting those differences and learning how to respect those differences. OK, that's my personal synopsis based on a few bathroom trips, but I think I'm pretty close.

A bit of a side bar here-- the planet Venus was named after the Greek goddess of beauty and love. Martians are considered to be green, glob-like monstrosities out to destroy the Earth. Am I wrong to be slightly offended by the imagery put forth by the book's title?

So, with all this context let me attempt to explain why I think 300 is one of the most romantic movie I've seen. I shall illustrate my point by comparing 300 to one of the most beloved romantic movies of all time, The Notebook. I say it's one of the most beloved romantic movies of all time because my wife says that it is and that's enough of an authority for me. More specifically I want to compare the couples from the two movies, King Leonidas and his queen Gorgo... and those other two from The Notebook.

The first thing I think of when I consider the relationship between Loenidas and Gorgo is here are two people that really get each other. They seem to know and respect what makes the other tick. Leonidas respects his wife and seeks her counsel more than once. Gorgo recognizes Leonidas' strengths and encourages them. In the scene where Loenidas marches off to war Gorgo removes her necklace and hands it to him. No words are exchanged. Nothing needed to be said because the viewer knew these two mutually loved, respected and admired each other. Then, as Loenidas turned to leave his wife for what would be the last time she says; "Spartan, come back with your shield, or come back on it". Wow! That's got to be one of the hottest lines ever uttered on the big screen! When Dilios, one of the 300, returns the necklace back to Gorgo, nothing is said. She understands that as Leonidas faced death he thought of her. Now, you tell me that's not romantic. (And there's the scene where they share their amorous affection for each other and get all freaky, just sayin'.)

Now, let's consider the other two. First, there is the spoiled debutante brat who can't make up her mind and likes to hit people. Second, the badly bearded, obsessive, brooding pouter that likes to deal with the loss of his love by drowning in wine and women. Sure, he refurbished that house, but go and tell your love interest that you coped with their absence by getting drunk all the time and sleeping with other women and see how far that gets you. The only sensible person in the movie was her fiancé when he said he loved her and wanted her to be happy, so he sent her back to the pouter. Something tells me he lived happily ever after. Then, when she had developed Alzheimer's in her latter years he terrorized her every day by recounting their story until she remembered, then forgot again, leading her to freak out and have to be medicated. True love or true obsession?

Ok, I get it with The Notebook. I'll even admit I teared up at the end. If there were ever two make believe characters that were perfect for each other it was those two from The Notebook. The point here is that men and women can look at these movies and get different things from them. Let me reiterate, men and women are different. Men and women will forever have different perspectives on what's romantic. Actually, they will have different perspectives on everything! You want proof, just watch these two movies. Then discuss them. Just don't resort to violence.

I think the key to understanding your better half is actually somewhere between what makes these movies different. When we understand that women are from Venus (or maybe South Carolina) and men want to be from Sparta (why Mars?), we might begin to see that person hogging the other side of the bed in a different light. It might even help us respect and admire them. It's what makes us different that makes us intriguing. I say embrace the differences.

I'm sure my wife would like me to have those Spartan six-pack abs, but that ain't happenin'.

I say for Sparta and for Glory (put that in your notebook)!

Thank God for Bacon!

Both my wife and daughter have threatened to become vegetarians. This frightens me. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I'm forced to eat pastas and casseroles from time to time for the simple fact that I'd probably starve otherwise, but I know that fairly regularly a chunk of beef, pork or a chicken will find it's way onto the dinner table, satisfying that primal desire for meat. Just a little salt and heat it through. It's close to ecstasy. Men seem to have all kinds of ways of affirming their masculinity; cage fighting, peeing in the woods, wearing their hats inside a restaurant. Personally, I like to eat a good chunk of meat.

I think the potential downfall for my household was The Animal Planet. That and the ladies in my house watching me eat chicken. The simple fact is every baby animal on the Animal Planet looks so cute. When you're accosted with picture after picture of adorable baby pigs and cows it's hard to convince your daughter to snuff out their life and roast it to satisfy your evil blood lust for protein. Would I eat a hippopotamus? Sure I would, but my daughter knows just how cute those baby hippos look and would hold it against me forever. Every little chick looks so frail and helpless when it first emerges from it's shells that the idea of plucking off all it's feathers and throwing it into a 350 degree oven is pretty abhorrent to her. This poses a significant problem for my desire for animal flesh. And I have to admit watching someone tear the sinewy, ligament laced meat from a chicken bone can be a bit unsightly, but how else do you get to all that finger lickin' goodness?

I did a little research. In a 2003 poll conducted by The Vegetarian Resource Group 2.8% of participants said they did not eat meat, poultry or any seafood. That would be 5.7 million people in the U.S. when extrapolated from the 2000 census numbers. Hm, that's quite a few folks. In all the articles I read the number one reason why people are vegetarian is for ethical concerns . It would seem that farmed animals live in crowded and stressful conditions and when they don't produce enough are then slaughtered. Their feed and environment are conditioned to get the best quality from the animals. Kind of sounds like how a lot of businesses operate today. I don't know if vegetarians are sympathetic to the animals or identifying with their situation. Fortunately for me "watching someone eat chicken" wasn't one of the reasons why people become vegetarians. I felt a sliver of hope.

Actually, I'm not too concerned about the vegetarian threat to the culinary condition of my kitchen. I know the secret weapon to the undoing of vegetarians everywhere; bacon. It would seem that as much as the ladies in my house complain about the consumption of meat they can't seem to break the allure of bacon frying in a pan. The smell of bacon cooking is practically an intoxicant in my house. My daughter's favorite meal is spaghetti carbonara, which is spaghetti tossed with as much bacon as you can put in it. In our house we put bacon on salads and on sandwiches. We even wrap it around other pieces of meat to make it taste better! I haven't tried this personally, but I'm willing to bet bacon on ice cream would be tasty. I mean, if bacon can make so many other things taste better, who knows. I'll have to put it to the test.

I do feel pretty safe knowing that bacon has saved my bacon... Unless there is a category of vegetarianism that allows the consumption of bacon I feel certain that our freezer will continue to be stocked with the butchered delicacies that will sate my desire for my favorite source of protein. I have also found that using a knife and fork while eating chicken seems to not gross anyone out, further helping my cause. Particularly chicken wrapped in bacon. Mm,mm... Thank God for bacon!

Dang, Will Jon and Kate Ever Go Away?

Sometimes I really hate the DVR. Sure, it's great to record all the shows you might not have time to watch during their airing (because maybe you're doing something more important like watching another show that's on at the same time), but it also means your children will DVR their favorite shows as well. Sounds selfish I know, but their are times when the TV will be tied up for hours because of the back log of unwatched shows. I record "Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations" and will sit down to watch three or four episodes at a time. Even though I fast forward through the commercials it still consumes over three hours of TV time. Since TV time is such an important part of a person's day this will inevitably lead to someone becoming cranky because they can't watch their show. Of course that person will sit down next to you as you watch your show and tell you how unfair it is that they can't watch their show. It can be a little distracting, but I've learned to deal with it.

Here's the problem, my lovely daughter likes the show Jon and Kate Plus Eight and records not only the new episodes but all past episodes as well, just in case she hasn't seen them. There's a back log of three million episodes she swears she will eventually watch. I don't know if you have ever seen the show, but I would prescribe watching this one to any insomniac desperate for sleep. Watching a domineering, fame seeking mom change diapers and organize family trips while passively ripping out her husband's manhood just doesn't strike me as good entertainment. Now, to be fair it is on The Learning Channel and ostensibly is produced for educational purposes, but I don't think people are watching it with that in mind. Actually, I don't really know why people watch it. What I do know is my daughter watches it and I'm forced to sit beside her and complain about how unfair it is that I have to watch her show, that is before the show's narcoleptic effect kicks in and I nod off to Slumber ville. Outside of this medicinal purpose (which, I must admit is sometimes my ulterior motive) I have to cave in and just abandon these all important TV hours to other endeavors, like doing something constructive.

Still, until recently I was convinced that the show would be canceled because it is so mind numbingly boring. Now comes all of the salacious details of affairs and dalliances. One day you have pictures of Kate with her bodyguard and a caption suggesting a tryst between them, or pictures of Jon off with another woman on a sky trip somewhere involved in a little extramarital excursion. There are TV interviews where Jon and Kate take swipes at each other and the ubiquitous supermarket tabloids that seem to find the most obscure details about the whole sordid affair (I believe one of the tabloids suggested Jon is having an affair with a Martian and took $200,000 dollars from his and Kate's joint bank account to fund a trip back to Mars). With this kind of press they're getting I'm sure their show will become even more popular and will be on until the kids go to college! Actually, with this much sex and intrigue surrounding the show I'll be forced to see them at every store check out line well beyond even college! Dang. I guess I better grab a pillow and kick back the recliner and hope I can squeeze Anthony Bourdain's show in every now and then.

Universal Health Cares of Which I'm Unawares

I'm driving around with my son and his friend yesterday when the subject of a paper they must write for their English Composition class came up. The subject was universal health care in other countries, namely from our border mates from the frozen north, Canada, and of course those wily Brits. It would seem that ever since the debate over health care in the U.S. began they, along with Cuba, are the most mentioned of all the world's health care systems, whether you're for or against the idea of universal health care. My son picked the Canadian system and his friend England's. So began our discussion.

The conversation kind of went like this; I'd ask a question and they would answer with some fact from their research, I'd ask another question and they'd hit me with some statistic from some study, and that went on for quite a while. I eventually spewed some libertarian rant about freedom of choice and personal responsibility that I felt would be the definitive and final pronouncement on the subject, but I couldn't help but realize that I didn't know much about the specifics surrounding the debate over universal health care. The really sad part is the boys probably came away with that same feeling!

So I've endeavored to do some research so that I can be better informed for the next opportunity that I discuss the dreaded universal health care subject. Well, now my head hurts. It is a significantly huge topic full of facts and fictions, numbers and statistics and barbed animosity flying from both sides of the debate. My more conservative core values did prejudice my reading of some of the material, but I can't help but to think that both sides have pretty firm ground to stand on. I think it's because both sides make a good case for their positions that so many people think something needs to be done. They don't know what that something is, but something needs to be done! As I read through several web pages for and against health care reform I couldn't help to think to myself, "well, I guess something needs to be done". Hm...both feet firmly planted on the fence railing.

OK, sure I lean a certain way, but I have to admit that after talking to my son and our friend it made me mull over my personal convictions concerning health care in the U.S. After further research (and we know just how reliable information on the internet is!) I can't help but to conclude, for the time being, that I don't really know a lot about health care. In fact, outside of knowing who my health insurance company is I'm pretty ignorant on the subject. Well, slightly more enlightened now, but still needing more information in order to fully understand what direction the U.S. should go concerning health care. Since I vote for the slugs that represent me in Washington that's a pretty important responsibility. I dare to say that most people are similarly ignorant. Outside of how the health care system personally impacts them, most folks just don't know much about the state of health care in the U.S. With that said, I shall work to become more informed so that I don't slip on that fence in the future, straddling it to my own embarrassment.