It's true, Satan has once again caused trouble in the natural world. Dang him! I happen to have this on good authority; Pat Robertson. I have to assume Pat receives special revelation from God on such matters, being that God doesn't broadcast on any public frequencies. And I suppose only Robertson gets these "God transmissions" because no other televangelists have stepped forward with corroborative revelations to support his claim (although I bet they wish they could!). Yeah, it's the Devil's playground and fortunately Pat's there to let us know it.
Here's the tragedy: an earthquake has rocked the island nation of Haiti, decimating its buildings, homes and infrastructure, potentially killing 100,000 lives. News coverage of the destruction is ubiquitous, stories of the dead and dying build a narrative of terror, hope dwindles for survivors as time passes. There is a flood of rescue workers and relief material to aid the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere, over $200,000,000 pledged, orphans being adopted, medical care provided by the U.S. military and charitable doctor organizations. A Herculean relief effort in response to a devastating natural disaster. A defining moment in our time.
And all because of Satan. It would seem that Robertson has divined that Haiti is being punished for making a pact with the Devil for independence from the French. This happened, something like 200 years ago. The pact. And God has been punishing those poor, misguided souls ever since. I guess God really does punish until the fourth generation, and then some!
I'm sure Christians everywhere are glad to know the culprit in this natural disaster is Satan and not a mere shifting in the tectonic plates beneath the Caribbean. Not fault lines, simply demonic fault. Pat has already pointed out that Florida was nearly blown away by hurricanes because of Disney World allowing Gay Day. Dang homosexuals. And we know what God did to Sodom and Gomorrah, so what Pat said about the hurricanes has to be true, too. And we know homosexuality isn't natural but merely people succumbing to Satan's enticement to be gay or lesbian, and that despite the fact they'll be ostracized and persecuted by everyone else. So, it has to be Satan and not the natural course of things. Pat has to be right. Right?
The Evangelical Christian world has a true champion in Pat Robertson, with his special communicative link to acquiring the knowledge of God and all. Of course he graces us all with this knowledge in order that he can share the gospel of an all-loving heavenly Father. Thanks, Pat! What would Jesus do? Probably heal those sick and injured, feed the hungry. I doubt he'd throw out some dogma that would do nothing more than insult and enrage those suffering. Fortunately, we have Pat to do that. Again, thanks Pat!
I think Christians all over the world should join me in chanting; To Hell With The Devil! (Yeah, feels good!) Perhaps with Satan safely imprisoned in hell we can get rid of all this natural disaster stuff. Until then remember, that Satan is tricky, so be careful you don't suffer the wrath of God in some future natural disaster. Right Pat?
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