The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage? Really?

How does that old joke go?  Oh yeah: What's the number one cause of divorce?  Marriage.

I had a friend of mine tell me the other day about a trip his wife was planning for the two of them to take and how he was trying his best to get out of it. This happens all the time; She plans a trip, he tries to get out of going.  Inevitably, he winds up going.  I asked him why he didn't just tell her he doesn't want to go, and he told me that's his secret to a successful marriage – he always gives in.

His answer got me wondering about what it takes to have a long and happy marriage. He's been married 32 years and obviously knows a thing or two.  I've got my own ideas about it after nearly 21 years of matrimony, but I was interested in what others had to say.  A Google search produced a plethora of websites offering plenty of advise, most of which seems to be common sense – things like: respect, commitment, compromise, being nice, focus on the positive.  And while that's all well and good,  I didn't really want to know what marriage experts had to say, I wanted to know what the married folks I know personally had to say – my friends that had said, "I do" and have slogged through the muddled marital trenches and climbed the blissful wedded peaks all those years since.  So I conducted an anecdotal survey on my own, asking some of my friends and co-workers what they thought was the secret to a long and happy marriage.  Oh, but the responses were eye opening, and far from anything I'd read on any marriage expert's website.  From the responses I got I've ascertained a few more secrets that help keep a marriage mirthful and gay, long into the twilight of those married years.  See if you agree:

Avoidance

I asked a married couple of twenty plus years what they thought were their secrets to wedded bliss.  He said, "I stay away from her."  She said, "I keep my mouth shut."  Ouch!

I asked another friend, and he said, "Find a good bar." 

Could it be that they are merely allowing their spouses a little "me" time?  I mean, it's not good to crowd your spouse, or to deny them the opportunity to pursue their personal interests, but I'm thinking that's not exactly what they were referencing.  I think they're merely avoiding their betrothed.  And it seems to work for them.

Capitulation

I got this answer three times – it's all about compromise.  I asked one guy what that meant.  He said, "It means I give in to everything she says."  I asked another lady friend what she meant by it.  She said, "It means I give in to everything he says."

The experts agree that compromise is one of the secrets to bliss with your beloved, but to give in every time?  I'm guessing for compromise to be successful it has to be a two way street, but hey, capitulation seems to work for some as well, so I ain't knocking it.

Secrets

A friend answered with honesty.  He's 25 years old and has never been married.  I'm not sure why I asked him.  Another friend who's been married 25 years agreed with my young friend.  Since my young friend prompted him I have to discount his answer.  Is that unfair?

Another answer I got was more illuminating.  She said, "What he don't know don't hurt him."  She punctuated that remark with, "You take your secrets to your grave."  Yikes!  Another lady friend told me, "Keep your secrets secret."

I've always heard  that honesty is the best policy, but these ladies keep their men happy by keeping them in the dark.  That's a twist I hadn't thought of.  But really, do we really want to know our spouse's every thought?  Everything they do?

Okay yeah, I kinda do. 

Sex!

One young lady answered, "Sex."  I said, "Really, sex?"  She said, "Yeah, for him."

It's long been thought that the best way to keep a man happy is with hot food and hot sex.  Being a man, I have to acquiesce to this logic.  We are but simpletons, motivated by the simplest of things.  The ladies are generally more complex than that, wanting salads and cuddling, which leads to much marital strife. 

Okay, I say that partly in jest – partly – but clearly for some keeping a spouse's carnal appetites sated is part of having a happy home.

So, since my anecdotal survey I can't say I have a better understanding of what leads to a long and happy marriage, but I think I understand why the divorce rate is so high!  Okay, I'm kidding again, but I believe my survey corroborated something that I have believed for a long time – you can't expect your spouse to make you happy.  Let's face it, your spouse will make you unhappy at times.  They're human with their own faults and foibles and failures like anybody else.  One response to my question was, "Ask me next week when I'm not mad at him!"  Wow!  Listen, your man or woman is going to make you stark, raving mad at times, and accepting your spouse as someone other than that idealize picture of perfection you thought they were when you fell in love with them will help you stay happy long into your marriage, not to mention sane.

Okay, so here was my favorite answer to the survey.  My friend says, "Why even get married?  I mean, it was great at first, but now she has me with four kids, and I can't get out!"  We laughed a long time after that.  I'm pretty sure he meant it tongue in cheek.  I think.